Treehouse

from John Oliver Hodges, author of How We Solved the Problem:

1. At the Decamp Bus Line window in the Port Authority, I leaned over to order my tickets. I said, “Tree ticketa Montclair Date Uniberdity pleeea,” into the circular vent in the glass, and the homeless-looking dude standing nearby said, for the second time, “Excuse me sir, can I have a dollar?” As the lady printed my tickets I looked at him and said, “No,” and he said, “Your life is gonna be fucked up!” I said, “Too late,” and he laughed.
2. I was walking down the sidewalk in Greenpoint with my usual chocolate doughnut, what I buy daily from Peter Pan Polish Bakery. Often as I walk along eating my doughnut, I will hold it out to somebody, and say, “Would you like a bite?” Once, I said it to a Korean girl, but I asked her in perfectly pronounced Korean. She laughed.
3. Another time as I walked along eating my doughnut, I was really getting into the doughnut, slobbering on it real good, and this guy wearing a uniform like what phone technicians wear, saw me eating my doughnut. As the gap between us closed, I held my slobbery doughnut his way. Didn’t he want a bite? He stopped in his tracks. I kept walking. “You trying to be funny?” he called after me. I was turned his way, crumbs falling from my lips. I said, “No, it’s real good,” as if the offer was still open should he change his mind. Now he walked after me so I just walked faster backwards and then, as it turned out, I had to turn forward and run a little bit to get away from him.
4. There was this homeless guy in the Port Authority who kept making loud fart sounds with his mouth, and each time he made the loud fart sound he jerked his pelvis forward as if he’d just let go a humdinger, and he would turn his head back like What’s going on here?and then fart with his mouth again and repeat the scenario. I liked it so much that I, too, do it on occasion.
5. I don’t know why, but for some reason when I’m walking around in New York City, I love to say, “Maaaaan, dey got some creeezy people in heah!” I say it all the time out on the sidewalks, and especially I say it when I’m hanging out underground waiting for the E train, or the G train, or the 7 train. I say it loud enough for the people around me to hear, but nobody ever says anything back. Perhaps the voice doesn’t match the awesome image I cut from the day, or maybe my words are garbled. Either way, the other night inside the Port Authority, at about 11pm, I was headed down to catch the E and this longheaded guy was on the tiles with his back against the wall, his skinny legs poking out across the floor. I said my thing as I passed him, out of habit more than anything else, and he said, bobbing his long head up and down, “Yeeah, and you about the craziest motherfuckah in heah!”

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